Disagreeing with your partner isn’t a crime. Just be mindful not to use harsh words which can leave emotional scars during a conflict. Instead, add these seven phrases to your playbook to help protect your bond.
As creatures of habit, couples may know exactly which words irk or rile your partner yet still blurt them out at the worst possible moment.
Hurtful words leave an aftertaste as bitter as wormwood tea. And lingering resentment eventually erupts like a pot of porridge boiling over when left unattended on the stove.
To put context to the old adage “Communication is key”, here are seven phrases recommended by therapists that couples should use to strengthen their relationships. We also suggest situations when these phrases will be useful and what words they can replace.
❌“No, you listen to me first!”
✅“You start.”
You come home from a long day at the office and immediately launch a tirade of work grievances on your wife. Having had to endure a crummy day herself, your wife tries repeatedly to cut in with her own complaints about losing an all-important business deal, only to get brushed off as you ramble on.
The exchange turns into a “whose day was worse” fight for airtime. Neither is listening to what the other is trying to say and frustrations of being overridden start to arise.
Be it when recounting your day or making weekend plans together, simply putting effort to hear your partner out first shows you care and value their thoughts.
❌“You Calm Down”
✅“Can We Slow Down”
On the way to that K-Pop concert at National Stadium, you and your GF get stuck in heavy traffic and end up being late. Your GF blames you incessantly for making her miss the spectacular opening segment of the concert. You say she’s overreacting and tell her to calm down.
No use finger-pointing in such a situation. Neither will it help to portray yourself as the calmer, more rational one. By saying “Can ‘we’ slow down?”, you’re signalling that you care about her feelings, that you know she’s disappointed. And maybe next time, you’ll check the traffic conditions on the LTA OneMotoring website before an important event like this.
❌“You Always…”
❌“I Shouldn’t Have Believed In You”
✅“Let Me Try That Again.”
Words said in a pique always hit fast and furious. Making single accusations such as “You always don’t do it properly” puts unfair judgement on your partner. And expressing regret like “Why did I listen to you” can put insecurity and self-doubt on both parties.
To make things right, apologise for the harsh outburst and rephrase your thoughts, starting with “Let me try that again”.
❌“I Don’t See What’s Your Point!”
✅“What Do You Feel That I’m Not Getting About Your Experience?”
During a family gathering, your relatives ask your fiancée: “Wah, why so long never see you?” You reply on her behalf in jest: “Because she’s trying to avoid you asking her when we’re getting married.” When she tells you that you shouldn’t have said that, you retort: “What’s your point? It was only a joke!”
You may think you’d saved your fiancée from prying relatives, but that joke may have just sacrificed your fiancée as collateral damage. It may have embarrassed your relatives, and hurt your fiancée at the same time. So hear her out, try to understand where she’s coming from. Interacting with future in-laws can be delicate business for her.
❌“What I Did Was All For You.”
✅“I See The Impact I Had On You.”
You throw a huge surprise birthday party for your partner, inviting a bunch of friends for dinner at a fancy restaurant. Caught off-guard, your partner isn’t pleased and chides you for wasting money. You retaliate by commenting that all your effort and intentions have gone to waste.
Lovingly well-intentioned no doubt, but perhaps the surprise gesture ignored your partner’s preference, finances or emotional readiness. Instead of a lavish and boisterous party, what your partner might have wanted was a simple, quiet celebration for two. So in the aftermath, acknowledge the impact of your action on your partner, not try to validate the effort you put into preparing it.
❌“What’s Wrong With You?”
✅“What Does Our Relationship Need Right Now?”
Due to a heavier workload and more frequent overseas business trips, it’s become more difficult for your BF to spend time with you. Demanding that he still commits to X number of dates per week (how many dates is enough anyway?) eventually takes a toll and unhappiness brews.
Stress can change how much one or both partners can give. Unmatched expectations often results in burnout. Instead of voicing resentment towards each other, pause and ask: “What does our relationship need right now?” and mutually readjust.
✅“Thank You.”
In Singapore, many people are not used to spelling out feelings directly. Some husbands may feel that saying “Thank You” to their wives is too cliché. However, simply saying “Thank you for buying dinner tonight” or “Thank you for embracing all my quirky habits”, sure beats the typical Singaporean notion “Must say out loud meh?” Sometimes, sweet nothings still mean a lot.
It’s all about building trust, emotional safety and connection
When two unique personalities try to build a life together, there are bound to be differences. Conflict isn’t a failure; it just takes skills to advert it from escalating. Stinging words only tear both down. Hence, focus instead on words that express gratitude, provide emotional validation and show accountability. It’s all about aligning expectations and keeping the channel of communication open for the relationship to stay strong.
with Love,
The Dateideas Team
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